Don't single me out then forget me

The summer has come and gone. The days are dark and gray. It’s far closer to cold and snow than sun and sand. It’s a hard time of year for me. I always struggle to keep motivated, to keep forging ahead in my career and life.

It’s October. At this point the fall auditions have pretty much finished. There’s a smattering of auditions for next year’s summer seasons. Generally those auditions are for a theatre’s full summer line up. Most of the larger companies will have subsequent auditions for individual shows. When those auditions come along an actor can hone in on and prepare for a specific show or role. I find for me, a young(ish) character actor it’s better to wait and be specific.

Dance classes fill back up with actors returning from triumphant summer work. Most of the smart ones save as much of their salary as they can. That way they can avoid going back to a day job, at least for a little while. I’ve been trying to get back to dancing which is my first theatre love. However my day job requires me to be on my feet for nine, ten, fifteen hours at a time. Hence I’ve developed plantar fasciitis, which makes standing difficult and most dancing nearly impossible. I’m taking care so I don’t have any long term problems. Dancing has to wait.

I am thankful for my day job though. It affords me the possibility to live in New York City. I’ve been with this one company for ten years. The best part about them is that I can take a leave of absence for up to six months to do a show and still have a job when I come back. The challenging part of the job is not the work, but waiting to be recognized for my contributions. When that happens I’ll get a promotion, which is the only way in the company to get a raise. I tried fighting to get recognized and got nowhere. I have to wait until my boss gets over his personal insecurities and sees what I actually bring to the company.

Social circles tend to form around work or a shared experience. As an actor our work and shared experience is doing a show. So it's natural that’s where our social circles come from. It’s where we meet new friends, hang with old friends and make potential love connections. I spent much of this summer in town and without a contract to do a show. And I'm single.

Outside of that social circle, meeting someone in New York City gets a bit more difficult and a lot pricier. One date in NYC will set you back about fifty to seventy five dollars. And that’s just for a movie and snacks. A mixed drink at a bar can run anywhere from ten dollars to twenty five dollars, depending on the location and popularity of the bar.

Love doesn’t cost a thing, but every date starts at the ATM.

When that promotion at my day job comes through, and it will come through, I’ll be able to work a little less. And make more money. Then not only will my survival job allow me to survive, it will allow me to venture out into the world of dating. Until then, I lie in wait.

I’ve been saving up a little money each month for new headshots.I’ve found a great photographer, who is relatively inexpensive. I’ll probably need to purchase a couple of things to wear for the shoot. I’ll wait until after I shed a few more pounds. Then I’ll do both.

My gym membership sits unused because of sore feet. Well that and the fact that I don’t have a pair of sneakers to wear. I discovered that my sneakers were part of the problem that caused the plantar fasciitis. I figure on waiting to heal before purchasing new ones. So I ditched sneakers for some really cute Kenneth Cole driving moccasins this summer.

But summer is over.

I’m aware of that as I make excuses for not going to auditions.

I'm aware of that as I procrastinate on getting new headshots.

I’m aware of that while missing out on classes, which is making me miss out on the joy of doing something I love.

I’m aware of all of this as I struggle to get out of bed each day. It’s taken me a moment but I’m now aware that the sun has been covered up by clouds for a while now. And that's the core of my problem.

While living abroad in Germany, I’d become very depressed. There were a lot of things happening to me and around me but they weren’t the cause of my depression. The lack of sunlight was. You see Germany has very dull and gray weather for most of the year. We used to joke about having our “week of summer” and running around like mad men trying to enjoy it. With a little research and honest self-discussion, I diagnosed myself with Seasonal Affected Disorder.

S.A.D., as it’s aptly acronymed, affects people during the change of seasons, most notably going into the Fall and lasting through the winter. It’s a depression that some think is literally caused by lack of sunlight. It zaps your mood. It zaps your motivation. In extreme cases it can cause suicidal thoughts and be the contributing factor to suicide itself.

I learned that countries with longer winter and less daylight have a higher instance of suicide. I also learned what non-drug treatments were used to combat the issue. In some northern countries children are given phototherapy during the school day. Special lights that mimic the light coming from the sun are used. Children sit under the light for an hour each day during the winter months. Studies have shown a decrease in self-inflicted fatalities during the long winter months in those countries.

You may ask yourself what this has to do with theatre and the performing arts. Everything. It has everything to do with it. We are our product. Our bodies, our minds, our creativity are what the people behind the table are paying for when hiring an actor. If our mind is preoccupied or lacking in focus it will distract from the job at hand making the product subpar.

There are outside forces that can derail an actor from pursuing his or her goals. Anything from people to a day job to the weather can be a distraction. Controlling these forces is not always an option. Recognizing them and combating them is. It’s about taking care of yourself physically and mentally.

Everyone lacks motivation now and then. Everyone goes through thoughts of changing careers, of depression for not getting the gig or just a general ennui for the Business. That’s expected. And we get through it. What’s also expected is that an actor knows him or herself well enough to discern when something else is going on inside. We’re taught to know the difference between good pain and bad pain. 

The good pain is when you’ve worked a little harder than the day before. You’ve stretched yourself just a little further than you thought you could, physically and or mentally. The payoff may not be immediate but good pain shows you progress. Good pain keeps you motivated to continue.

Bad pain is when you’ve over stretched and over worked yourself to the point of injury. Bad pain stops you from doing the things you need to do to further yourself, like the plantar fasciitis I now have from my day job. Bad pain, both physical and mental, leaves you unable to function.

There was an audition this morning for a role I’ve been told by some people behind the table that I could play. Yet I didn’t go to the audition. Lately I’ve been unmotivated. I’ve been sleeping excessively and lacking in energy. I’ve been putting off doing a myriad of other things as well, like classes, lessons, dating, laundry, and writing this blog. I’ve realized what’s happening. It’s all simply because it’s gray outside.

And now I’m taking counter measures to take care of myself and put myself back on track.

I’m sitting under a halogen lamp doing phototherapy. Halogen bulbs are the closest thing on the market that mimics the light of the sun. They cost a bit more to operate than a traditional bulb. The effects for me are well worth it though. My spirits are lifted and I feel better both physically and mentally.

I’m writing this blog after three weeks of putting it off.

I’m on my fourth and final trip to the laundromat.

I vocally warmed up and went sang through some music.

I’ve made an appointment to have headshots done in November.

And plantar fasciitis be damned, I dragged my lifeless carcass into dance class and had amazing time.

I feel alive again.

Art is something that’s born within you. As performers if we’ve lost our motivation, our drive, or our desire to perform, we’ve lost a major part of who we are. Take the time and energy to assess what’s going on inside of you. Shine a light on which external forces are negatively effecting your journey. Then take positive steps to fight back. Otherwise you could end up like I was, sitting around listless not doing anything but...

“...waiting for life to begin.”